Most of us can relate to the initial denial, fiery rage, and/or newfound loneliness associated with being on the receiving end of a romantic breakup. And there’s plenty of expert advice—and four Adele studio albums—out there to help people get over such heartbreak. But what about the pain of losing a platonic relationship?
We’ve already offered advice on how to tell if it’s time to call it quits with your BFF, but if you’re the one who’s been dumped or ghosted by a friend, we see you. Seriously, it hurts—perhaps even more than the loss of a romantic or familial relationship, Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, LCPC, NCC, professor at Northern Illinois University and co-author of Toxic Friendships: Knowing the Rules and Dealing with the Friends Who Break Them, tells SELF.
“Friends are the people who are there for us when our love lives fall apart, our careers implode, or we just need a hug and place to vent,” Dr. Degges-White explains. “They’re our sounding boards, cheerleaders, coaches, and sometimes, stand-in therapists all in one. So when we’ve lost a close companion, we’ve also lost someone we could turn to for support.”
Sometimes an unfixable issue or a major difference of opinion is at fault for the fallout. Basic life changes, like moving to a new city or becoming a parent, can also make it harder for people to connect the way they used to.
Regardless of why, exactly, your friend chose to cut ties, these expert tips can help you navigate this difficult and not-so-often-discussed transition.
Remind yourself that it’s possible—and totally okay—to grieve the loss of a friend.
Rejection hurts, and it’s normal to experience a flurry of emotions, from anger to sadness to confusion, when your bestie decides they no longer want you in their life. Rather than dismissing these very valid feelings (“But it’s not like we dated, right?”), the first and arguably most important step in getting over a friendship breakup is recognizing and addressing your painful emotions head-on, Weena Wise, LCMFT, licensed therapist and owner of Covenant Counseling Group in Maryland, tells SELF.
“All breakups deserve a time of reflection that enables you to work through any initial emotional reactions, so you can process them and healthily move forward,” Wise says. That might look like journaling to get some perspective, talking things out with another close pal or family member, or just trying to accept your feelings without judgment.
After all, you’ve probably shared an endless amount of texts, secrets, and laughs with your former friend and made yourself totally vulnerable to them. Just because you’re not dealing with a death, say, or a traditional breakup doesn’t mean you didn’t endure a hurtful loss. So before you beat yourself up for being so upset, acknowledge that it’s only natural to feel this way. By showing yourself kindness instead, you’ll be more equipped to challenge self-blame, self-criticism, and other negative thoughts that can arise as you process the split, Wise says.
Try not to dwell on the good (and not-so-good) ol‘ times.
Most of us are guilty of romanticizing the past, and when it comes to a breakup with a friend, that nostalgic pull may compel you to scroll through old photos or mindlessly refresh their Instagram feed to see if they’re having fun without you. Fixating on the past and obsessing over what went wrong can be extremely tempting—especially when your pain is fresh—but it isn’t going to make you feel any better in the long run, Wise says.
The demise of a friendship doesn’t necessarily warrant blocking or unfollowing the other person, and you can’t actively force your brain to stop thinking about them. However, you might want to consider at least muting their posts (or deactivating your own account via a social media cleanse) for as long as you need to heal. The degree to which you cut digital contact can depend on a lot of things, like if the relationship died after a giant conflict or simply fizzled out, along with how likely it is that you’ll run into this person (because it can get pretty awkward if you have a bunch of mutual buddies). Ultimately, the greatest benefit of creating online boundaries is that you won’t receive any unnecessary reminders of them while trying to move on, Wise says.
Don’t sink to the level of your ex-friend if they wronged you.
Some breakups involve a gradual and totally uneventful drifting apart. Others, not so much. You may deal with a former friend who’s trash-talking you behind your back, for example, or blaming you (and only you) for the fallout. Your first instinct may be to “get even,” but Wise highly recommends resisting that urge. No matter how satisfying the idea of revenge may seem in the moment, two wrongs don’t make a right: There’s little long-term benefit in publicly bashing them online, say, or gossiping about them with mutual acquaintances, research suggests. If anything, it’ll only make things messier and consume you with negative emotions like anger and sadness, Dr. Degges-White adds.
So are you supposed to just be okay with all this bad-mouthing? Of course not, but rather than letting your frustration or disappointment fester and isolate you from others, Dr. Degges-White suggests venting to someone you can really trust, like another friend, family member, or your therapist, if you have one. It’s a healthier way to let off steam, work through your feelings, and share your side of the story—without stooping down to their vindictive level, she adds.
If you wronged them, apologize—but also give them space to heal.
Okay, so maybe you’re the reason the friendship ended. Perhaps you said something insensitive or broke a promise. (Hey, it happens. We’re not perfect.)
If you haven’t apologized already—and you really want to make the relationship work—start by sincerely saying you’re sorry, Dr. Degges-White recommends. It’ll give you an opportunity to express your remorse and demonstrate how you can change. “By not acknowledging the mistake you made, versus owning up to it like an adult, you’re only creating more pain for the person you’ve hurt, as well as yourself.”
But it’s still up to them whether or not they choose to continue the friendship. “Apologizing repeatedly or trying to win them back can come with good intentions, but it can also seem selfish and inconsiderate of their boundaries,” Wise says. At best, they’ll forgive you and everything will return to normal within a few days, weeks, months, or however long. The other possible outcome, though, is that they reject your attempts—no matter how genuinely sorry you are—which they have the right to do. In that case, it’s important to accept their decision and move forward so you can both heal. Speaking of….
Develop a new routine if your old one reminds you of your former bestie.
That yoga class you used to take together may no longer bring you the joy it once did. Or perhaps you don’t know what to do with your Sundays anymore now that those weekend brunches are out of the question. “Breaking up with a close friend can leave behind a huge void in your life when you’ve developed rituals together,” Wise says. In other words, yes, you’ll probably feel a bit empty without them—at first.
You can technically replicate those pastimes with another buddy, sure. However, when a friendship ends, that can also be a great opportunity to create new memories and habits that help you grow. Some examples: Step out of your comfort zone with a new workout class, or take yourself out on a solo dinner date as a form of self-care. The change doesn’t have to be so drastic either: If you really enjoy yoga but it reminds you of “they who shall not be named,” sign up for a different time slot or opt for another studio to switch up your surroundings. In whatever form, occupying some of the time you’d normally spend with your old pal with a new activity is a precursor of healing, Wise says.
Accept that you might outgrow some friendships.
It’s one thing to drop someone over a deliberate act of betrayal or some other egregious violation. But, as we mentioned, there are often much more subtle factors at play. The stuff that once brought you together five years ago—like an overlapping social circle or similar hobbies—may no longer excite you, for example. It’s also natural for your priorities and interests to change over time, and eventually, you may have little, or nothing, in common anymore.
Even though we assume our BFFs are supposed to stay in our lives, well, forever, not all relationships last or evolve with us. If your friendship has simply run its course, Dr. Degges-White says it’s important not to blame yourself—or your pal—for the end of an era. “Focus on supporting and establishing friendships that reflect who you’re becoming, and not who you used to be a year or decade ago,” she recommends. And on that note:
Remember that it’s possible to make new friends.
There are plenty of fish in the friendship sea too. Your old buddy may have made you laugh like no one else, or perhaps you felt like they were the only person who really understood you. But who’s to say there aren’t others out there who can offer similar support and love, while also actively wanting to be a part of your life? You deserve that.
Especially as an adult, initiating conversations with strangers and making new social connections can be extremely overwhelming. But it can start with a simple, warm hello to your neighbor, say, or joining a sports team, book club, or some other hobby group. (Again, we know it can feel super awkward and intimidating, which is why we have a whole article on how to meet new friends IRL.)
No matter how you eventually heal from a platonic breakup, just remember that you’re allowed to feel heartbroken and upset along the way. It really sucks to lose a companion, to be frank, but moving on doesn’t mean you have to erase all those fond memories, nor should you regret the years you spent together, Dr. Degges-White says. Instead, you can look back and be grateful for the good times, while also reminding yourself that focusing on the present will allow you to grow and embark on your next chapter—even if that journey involves a new and different support system.
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