If you’ve recently received a genital herpes diagnosis, chances are you’re worried about what it means for your sex life. Thanks to decades of stigmatization and misinformation (and anemic sex education in the United States), people often assume that the STI will cause near-constant, painful, and hyper-contagious symptoms that can make hooking up feel risky or uncomfortable.
Take a deep breath though: Having fantastic sex with herpes just requires some extra awareness and planning. Here’s how to feel like your old, hot self again—and get back to getting down.
Understanding herpes is key to having good sex after your diagnosis.
Some people have wild beliefs about herpes—like that if a person has sex with someone with the condition, it’s immediately passed on to them. (Not necessarily true, as we’ll learn in a bit.) A good number of people even think herpes can be lethal. (Wrong—except in exceptionally rare cases, like when babies contract it at birth.)
Sound information goes a long way when it comes to calming down, feeling confident, and setting the record straight in conversations with partners. Adrial Dale, a North Carolina–based man in his 40s who was diagnosed with herpes in 2005, tells SELF that when you have your facts straight, “herpes gets reframed as a simple skin condition,” rather than a source of shame.
So on to the basics:
- The condition is caused by two herpes simplex viruses, HSV-1 and HSV-2. Most cases of HSV-1, which mainly spreads through saliva, manifest as oral herpes (a.k.a. cold sores), but research shows cases of genital HSV-1 herpes transmitted through saliva are rising. HSV-2, which mainly spreads via skin-to-skin contact, usually manifests as genital herpes. Someone with oral HSV-1 can spread it to the genitals of a partner, and someone with genital HSV-2 can spread it to a partner’s mouth—often via oral sex. Less commonly, people can develop herpes in other areas, like the throat or anus.
- A LOT of people have some form of herpes. According to the latest data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), about half of all Americans between the ages of 14 and 49 have HSV-1 and about 12% have HSV-2. (Exact rates for each strain vary across demographics.)
- The vast majority of people who have any kind of herpes never receive a diagnosis—usually because they never develop symptoms, or their symptoms are so mild that they mistake them for an ingrown hair or a rash. The condition also goes undetected because health care providers don’t include herpes in standard STI screening panels if a person doesn’t have symptoms: As a recent US Preventive Services Task Force research letter stated, the “psychosocial harms” that follow false positives, which are common, tend to outweigh the overall benefits of herpes diagnoses.
- Herpes isn’t a perpetual hell of bumps and sores. Most of the time, people with either strain are asymptomatic. During an active outbreak, the most common genital herpes symptoms are painful blisters around an infected area, which gradually burst. They leave open sores that often heal after a week, but can linger as long as three. An initial outbreak, which usually develops 2 to 12 days after transmission, is often accompanied by flu-like symptoms. As those subside, the virus usually goes dormant for long stretches.
- Outbreaks may recur throughout your life, the Mayo Clinic notes, but flare-ups are usually a lot milder after the first. People with genital HSV-2 might have four or five flare-ups per year, although it’s possible to have more—or none at all. People with genital HSV-1 might have harsh initial outbreaks, then a few flare-ups within the first year of infection, and then they rarely (if ever) have symptoms again.
- While there is currently no cure for herpes, several antiviral medications can reduce the frequency, length, and severity of outbreaks. Some people also avoid lifestyle factors that may lead to more or worse flare-ups. (Stress is one of the most common risk factors. Dry sex can trigger outbreaks too—as always, lube is your friend.)
- Research shows that there are psychological risks associated with the stigma around herpes. If you’re struggling after your diagnosis, consider seeking mental health care—you might especially benefit from speaking with a sex-positive therapist. Joining a herpes support group can also help.
How do I talk about herpes with sexual partners?
Even if you’re not having an outbreak at the precise moment you’re ready to bone, share your herpes status with all of your partners before getting down to business—no exceptions. Everyone has the right to know about the risks associated with any sexual encounter as they choose whether to go ahead with it and how to account for safety. This is a key part of having fully consensual sex.
Yes, this also means disclosing oral herpes. Sometimes, “people don’t care as much about oral infections because…stigma de-emphasizes one and sensationalizes the other,” Jenelle Pierce, an AASECT-certified sexuality educator and the executive director of the STI Project, tells SELF.
But it’s important to disclose whether you get cold sores early on in a sexual relationship, Susan Milstein, CPH, an MCHES-certified health educator specializing in STIs, tells SELF. “Mouths can come into sexual play way sooner than genitals,” she says. And many people default to unprotected oral sex because they assume it’s safer than other forms of sex in terms of STI prevention, or they believe that “it doesn’t count as real sex.” Which is not the case! And, again, unprotected oral sex is an increasingly prevalent cause of genital herpes infections.
All that said: How do you actually, literally tell someone that you have herpes? Emily Depasse, MSW, MEd, who specializes in STI-focused sex education, says that the talk can be daunting due to stigma, and few of us ever receive any guidance on how to discuss STIs with partners. It’s understandable to worry that disclosures will suck all the passion out of a room or scare a partner off. In reality, disclosures don’t have to be a harrowing, mood-killing ordeal. Most of the experts SELF spoke to suggest simply stating your status as a neutral fact, rather than apologizing for it or treating it like a flaw.
Picking the time and place for this is about what feels most comfortable for you and your partner. Whenever it happens, “make it a conversation, rather than a monologue,” Melissa King, LMHC, a therapist who’s worked with people who have herpes for more than 20 years, tells SELF. “Start with one or two sentences, like, ‘I have herpes. This is how it affects me.’ End by inviting the other person to have a discussion.” (If improvising this feels intimidating, Depasse has created basic scripts to help.)
As you answer questions about herpes, you don’t need to have every single data point memorized. If something slips your mind, you can look it up together. (Just use credible sources like the CDC’s or Planned Parenthood’s herpes fact sheets—not, like, a TikTok account called @STIbadboy.)
While sharing your status can sometimes feel tricky or uncomfortable, it can lead to better sex and relationships. “Even with casual partners,” notes Depasse, “communication is imperative for the more exciting aspects of sex, like turn-ons and using toys.” If it seems like things are going well and the mood is right, you can even use disclosure as a springboard to discuss sex more broadly—like what you each like and aren’t as into, for example.
Still, it’s always possible that the other person in your sexual equation won’t put aside their internalized stigmas. “Some potential partners won’t be able to deal,” King acknowledges. “But many will.” The people with herpes interviewed for this story say they’ve experienced one or two rejections following a disclosure—but the majority of people they spoke with were open to learning more.
How to have safer sex if you have herpes
The most frequent adjustments people with herpes make to their sex lives involve reducing transmission risks, Kristen Lilla, LSCW, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and educator, tells SELF.
Still, you can never fully do away with the possibility of transmitting genital herpes during penetrative or oral sex. Although herpes is at its most contagious during outbreaks, people without blisters and sores still periodically shed the virus. Here’s what you need to know about staying safe:
- During outbreaks, Planned Parenthood advises avoiding any skin-to-skin contact with affected areas from the onset of symptoms until a week after they subside.
- If you’re asymptomatic, taking daily antiviral meds reduces the chance of transmitting HSV-2 without other protection, but they don’t rule it out entirely, per the CDC.
- Whether you’re taking antivirals or not, experts recommend consistently using barriers like condoms during sex (including oral). Since herpes can shed from skin that external condoms don’t cover, they reduce the risk of transmission from a person with a penis to a person with a vagina by 96% and from a person with a vagina to a person with a penis by 65%. (Experts say we don’t have enough concrete data about how much protection internal condoms offer, or how much protection barriers provide during anal, oral, or other forms of sex—but, in general, barriers help.)
Many people are fine with accepting some risk—some are cool with only using barrier methods, and others choose to have unprotected sex when the partner with herpes isn’t in an active outbreak, whether or not they’re taking antivirals. “Risk reduction is different in every relationship,” Pierce says. “And it can change as relationships evolve.”
An outbreak may take certain sex acts off the table until things clear up. “But that doesn’t mean all forms of intimacy need to come to a screeching halt,” Dale explains. “Outbreaks can provide opportunities to discover new ways of connecting intimately.” You can explore different approaches to sex, like mutual masturbation, dipping a toe (...or other body part) into kink, or otherwise opening up what’s possible when penetration or oral aren’t. Talk to your partner about what you might like to try together—there are so many ways to make each other feel amazing.
Whatever decisions you make about sex and herpes, you can find a fulfilling way forward.
With enough knowledge, preparation, and experience, the condition doesn’t have to close the door on physical intimacy. “Years after a diagnosis, people often report back to me that they rarely think about their herpes anymore, except when they have to disclose,” King explains. “People in relationships often say herpes never comes up unless they are having an outbreak.”
“My sex life is fulfilling,” says Dale, who was convinced he’d have to live in celibate misery after he was first diagnosed. “My herpes is just one tiny aspect of it. It doesn’t define or limit my ability to experience pleasure and connection with my partner in the slightest.” We bet you’ll find the same is true for you.
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